Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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