Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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