That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
