Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
