I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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