He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
