so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
