seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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