I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
