I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
