Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
