remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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