Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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