I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
