just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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