Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
