the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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