So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
