What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Randomize
