i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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