I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
