why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm like, not good at living.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
