I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just googled if crying burns calories
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
