I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
