You made me cry and you don't even care
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
