We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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