Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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