We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
