he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
