Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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