im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
