I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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