My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
