Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
