dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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