so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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