Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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