And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
