She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
