i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
