my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
