So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
