I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
