theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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