i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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