I think my fart just growled at me.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
