Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
