Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
