Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
