Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
