My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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