my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
